Wednesday, October 29, 2008

It Was Consensual, She Wasn't Menstrual.

From the Great Russell Brand, of which you will often hear the praises of on my blog:

Thanks Bryan!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

It's Cool To Know Nothing.

So. Today I laid down $500 for what may be the best bike ever made. I'm feeling pretty darn good about that transaction. Here is a post-script (nearly verbatim):

Nicole plays the part of the "Ignorant Customer."
Cameron plays the role of the "Knowledgeable Bike Enthusiast."
The Bicycle Merchant plays the role of the "Dude."

Act 1: Scene 1;

Knowledgeable Bike Enthusiast and Ignorant Customer walk into local Bike Mercantile.

Knowledgeable Bike Enthusiast: "What about this one?"

Ignorant Customer: "Too... mmm... metaly?"

Knowledgeable Bike Enthusiast: "This one, oh, that's a good deal."

Ignorant Customer: "That one has no brakes!"

Knowledgeable Bike Enthusiast: "It's a Fixie."

Ignorant Customer: "What did you call me?"

Knowledgeable Bike Enthusiast: "It's when you... oh... nevermind. That one is....... *shudders*........ shiny."

Ignorant Customer: "I want it. Give this guy this wad of monies... which bike is it?"

Dude: "Can I help you with something?"

Ignorant Customer: "Gimme a bike." *throws monies at Dude, like a common whore*

Knowledgeable Bike Enthusiast: "What she means is she would like a street bike, I think this one would be good for her".... says unintelligible words regarding bicycles... "What do you think?"

Dude: "Yeah, this one has been re-done completely with quality parts"... something... "salsa"...

Ignorant Customer: "Salsa? I'll take it!" *Throws more money, this time in the air*

Knowledgeable Bike Enthusiast: "Just... give her the bike."

*Ignorant customer nods furiously, grabs bike and rides off down Burnside*

That's the general idea. I think the bike is rather... solid... metaly. Lots of little metal bits and things. Very technical, I know... But the point is I'm in love, and you NEVER question love.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

A User's Guide to Sheep Herding

Don't get me wrong, I like Barack Obama. Hell, I am voting for Barack Obama... Not a big secret. But what really bothers me is all this bandwagon jumping. Granted it is important to express your intentions politically, but when you add 'him' as a friend on Facebook or Myspace and put 'him' in your top friends, it says a lot. Like, are you familiar with all of his policies? Do you agree with his gun control regulations? What about his health care plan?

Seriously, study a little bit before you throw on your 'Obama is my homeboy' shirt and put him above your Mom on your friend's list. Duh.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Baby Mama Drama

I dont have an opinion on much, I actually don't even have an opinion on having an opinion... I could go either way. But I have a very strong opinion, and a strong affinity, for the following:

1. Oasis
2. Doctor who
3. Russell Brand
4. List-making
5. Portland

For firsties, Oasis might as well be the Beatles cause they make me pee my pants like a 5 year old with a bladder infection in Toys R' Us. Or even just me with a bladder infection in Toys R' Us (I get really excited about Bratz dolls and High School Musical lunch boxes.) But when it comes down to it, Liam Gallagher could sing the hairless testicles off Zac Effron.... which is impressive, cause I am sure Disney have 'them' shoved snugly up inside to prevent puberty before he turns 30. I bet he's really like 28. But I digress... I mean to say that I think that Noel Gallagher is one of, if not THE, best songwriters of his generation. He wrote Live Forever, for fuck sake. Masterplan? Masterpeice! Whatever? Whatever, That's a great song! Digsy's Dinner?....I got nothing. But it's brilliant! And Liam is, in my mind, the best front man since Mick Jagger (and far less homosexual-y). The crowd goes crazy before he even gets close to the stage and doesn't stop until they pass out from lack of oxygen, forced removal from the venue, or death by overwhelming awesomeness. THAT is dedication, and people don't dedicate themselves to things that aren't the best things ever. (Hitler, Stalin, The Rajneesh, the Grateful Dead... shut up contradictory, compulsory typing!)

And to cap it off they have released Dig Out Your Soul this month. It is a collaboration of writing from Noel, Liam and even Gem.... fooking Gem! The only sad news about the album is the lack of Zak Starkey (Ringo Starr's son), whom is a brilliant drummer. Zak, that is, not so much Ringo... my Fisher-Price 'Beat-maker' holds a better tune. But when you have the forever-dreamy Paul McCartney and the terminally dead John Lennon singing over you it doesn't matter much. But the new album carries many great tunes (like that smooth transition? smooth like butter) 'The Nature of Reality' and 'Get off yer High Horse' are two very melodious and often 'trippy' songs that are absolutely brilliant. And not brilliant like Einstein, I mean fucking Poptart brilliance here. Like a-whole-nother level. So basically, if you haven't fully immersed yourself in the album or their music like a warm bath (TWO things that make you pee a little) then you a walking embarrassment. Hide your face, you turkey.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Liking People is Hard.

Did I just create a 'blog'?

Indeed. I did. This will be great! (famous last words of.. well, probably a lot of morons.)

So first off on this thing I would like to set a few ground rules... I like to run my life by the following:

1. Safety
2. Teamwork
3. Solutions
4. Burgerville
5. Oasis

I feel these are very important to a balanced life and, if used in that order, can MAKE you live your life to it's full awesomeosity. I cannot emphasize MAKE enough... or AWESOMEOSITY.

Now for my campaign promises, to win you over as avid readers. I promise:

1. nude photos (not necessarily of me... or people that know I am taking their picture.)
2. Awesome stories... I live in Portland and work at the Buffalo Exchange, shit happens. Funny shit. Just sit and wait... seriously, just wait.
3. My opinions. You know you want em!
4. Health care reform. (I'm still working that one out.)

Alright, stay tuned!